A Post for New Mothers: On Breastfeeding
I was reading a Grown and Flown post written by a grandmother about how she supports her daughter through new motherhood. She described watching her daughter push through breastfeeding infections, fevers, and real physical pain because she felt like society expected her to keep going.
I felt that.
If you love breastfeeding, this post is not for you. Genuinely, good for you, keep going, we're thrilled. But if you're struggling, dreading it, or just don't want to do it? Listen to me
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The argument for breastfeeding has two parts: it's great for the baby's immune system, and it promotes bonding. Both are true. Neither one is the whole picture.
With each of my kids, I breastfed for three weeks. Just long enough to give them the colostrum, that early milk loaded with antibodies that formula can't replicate. Three weeks, and then I stopped.
Because I hated it.
And my babies knew. Babies pick up on everything. There is nothing bonding about a mother who is tense and miserable and watching the clock.
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Stopping didn't mean the closeness stopped. My kids were in my arms constantly. They fell asleep on my chest just like they would have if I were nursing. We had all of that. I just removed the part that was making both of us unhappy.
I am close to my now adult kids. Closer than most parents I know, whether or not they breastfed. That closeness came from being present, relaxed, and genuinely happy to be with them, not from gritting my teeth through something I resented and caused me pain.
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As for the immune system argument, I'll let my kids answer that one.
Neither of them has ever had strep. Neither has ever had a stomach bug. Colds and flu show up occasionally, but not often. No major childhood illnesses. Both healthy kids and healthy adults.
I'm not saying my three weeks of nursing are the reason. I honestly don't know. But I am saying that stopping early didn't ruin my relationship with my kids or doom them to a life of sickness.
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Here's what I know: a burned-out, touched-out, suffering mother is not good for her baby. A mother who feeds her child in a way that lets her show up calm, happy, and present is giving her baby something that matters just as much as what's in the bottle.
Do what works for you and your child. Those aren't two different things.
And don't let anyone, not society, not a parenting forum, not a well-meaning relative, convince you that suffering is the price of being a good mother.
It isn't.
— Michele Hara, Hindsight Parenting
